


It's Too Early For The Douche

by Lucifer_Lover (TottPaula)



Series: Lucifer [6]
Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Angry Dan Espinoza, Background Amenadiel (Lucifer TV), Background Mazikeen (Lucifer TV), Caring, Drunkenness, F'Bombs, F/M, Fights, Hangover, Humor, Jealousy, Minor Violence, Past Relationship(s), Protective Lucifer, Sleepy Cuddles, The Author Regrets Nothing, Warm Fluffy Wings that Sparkle
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2020-05-17
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:14:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24224923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TottPaula/pseuds/Lucifer_Lover
Summary: In the morning, after Lucifer's New Years Eve party, Lucifer is asleep on the sofa with a pleasant grin on his face and his arms wrapped around Chloe, until he's crudely awakened by Dan, aka Detective Douche.What's a Devil to do?Those damned wings are back.Again.Dan is pissed off at Lucifer.Again.Mazikeen and Amenadiel were still asleep.But Daniel is being a dickhead and manages to wake up everyone.What a douche!
Relationships: Chloe Decker/Lucifer Morningstar
Series: Lucifer [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1516643
Comments: 15
Kudos: 65





	1. It's Too Fucking Early For Douching

**Author's Note:**

> Used this prompt with permission:
> 
> "Reveal fic, but with drunk confused Dan who just punches Lucifer. 
> 
> Dan is still wasted from the New Year's party and can't quite process. 
> 
> He defaults to just being pissed Lucifer is a self-centered jerk. 
> 
> Lucifer and Chloe were dozing on the sofa until Chloe mumbled "I'm cold," and Lucifer (the jerk) covered her with angel wings (ANGEL WINGS!) instead of the throw blanket (that was RIGHT THERE).
> 
> So Dan punches him, because Lucifer is an asshole who screws with Dan's worldview even in his sleep."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Morning after New Years Eve, and some of the wasted guests are still asleep in Lucifer's penthouses' living room.

Sound asleep, Lucifer had his arm wrapped around Chloe. The blanket he'd covered them with had slipped to the floor sometime during the night. 

He appears genuinely happy, instead of his usual smug face. 

Chloe restlessly tosses and turns searching for her blanket, but instead finds herself feeling chilly.

The balcony door that's still open allows a chilly breeze into the room where several of last night's guests are passed out from the party's revelry. 

Empty champagne bottles and glasses litter the penthouse, along with party hats and noisemakers amongst other debris. 

But that's not what's bothering Chloe at the moment, it's the damn draft making her shiver. 

In her tired and slightly hungover state even a slight breeze feels like ice against her skin.

Dan woke from sleeping in the club chair, stretched and cracked his neck loudly, then starts trying to navigate his way to the toilet.

He should have gone when the urge first arose earlier but he was way too hungover to be bothered until now, and now it's urgent.

Fuck.

He passes by the sofa, his eyes still blurry and full of crud, and the sunlight is hurting his head.

"Where is the bathroom, anyway?" he grumbled. 

Chloe murmurs, "I'm cold," and Dan automatically reaches for the blanket as he's done for her for the past ten years or so.

Chloe still gets hot and cold throughout the night, so it's second nature to Dan, he still cares for her, and always will.

He still can't focus his eyes and grabs at what looks like a white glittery throw when Lucifer, startled at someone grabbing at his wing bitchslaps Dan in the face, then wraps Chloe against him gently, enclosed warmly within his gossamer wings and closes his eyes again. 

"What the hell, Lucifer!" Dan yells, but the sound of his own voice hurts and he winces, "It's a fucking blanket, what'd you hit me for, asshole?"

"Quiet, Douche, the detective is trying to sleep, and you're annoying her, and me if I'm being honest."

Dan rubs his eyes and mumbles he was only trying to move the damned blanket and find the fucking toilet.

Lucifer points absentmindedly with a leathery claw from his wingtip toward the bedroom as Dan blearily stumbles through the morning-after wreckage.

Dan disappears and soon the sound of a hearty and drawn out piss echoed throughout the room.

"Close the door, barbarian," Amenadiel awakes and complains. 

"You pig!" sneers an annoyed Maze.

Chloe sighs as she's now shielded from the cold breeze, comfortably warm in Lucifer's fluffy embrace. 

* * *

To be continued...


	2. What The Fuck?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan, still bleary eyed, returns and punches Lucifer and some Hell breaks loose.

As he's taking a piss Dan thinks about what just happened to him and gets angry, very nearly missing the toilet.

He feels dissed by Lucifer, who needs a good punch in the the nose to teach him some manners, he stews as he washes up his hands and dries them spitefully on Lucifer's long black silk robe because Lucifer Morningstar is a fucking, self-centered, narcissistic asshole. 

He stomps angrily back into the room and taking care not to hit his ex, hauls his arm back and punches Lucifer square in the nose, which immediately starts gushing blood. 

Lucifer may be vulnerable at the moment but he still has his satanic strength, his eyes begin to glow with a hellishly red fire.

His voice deepens and reverberates through the room after he wipes at his nose, growling,

" **You could have hurt her, what exactly is your problem?"**

He slowly rises to his full height, grabbing Dan by the front of his shirt and lifting him a half foot in the air. 

His wings explode open and all Dan can do is goggle open-mouthed while his lips open and close like a fish at Lucifer, shocked and speechless. 

Maze grins, she knows the dickhead deserves it.

Amenadiel is still oblivious, snoring loudly like a field wench whilst sleeping on the carpet. 

Luckily Dan emptied his bladder or someone would be mopping the floor.

" **What...? What are you?!?!?"** Dan croaked out.

**"I'm the Devil, I've never lied about it, but your kind... you humans... you can't handle the truth."**

Dan shrilly screams a high note at the top of his lungs sounding like a preteen girl.

He must be having a nightmare, there's no other logical explanation.

But he feels the iron grip on his shirt, it's too real, almost choking him...

The hot breath on his face...

**Wings** ,

Holy Mother of God,

he's got **_fucking wings!_**

Those red eyes are holding him in a trance and he can't move, the wings have an Unearthly golden glow, and he can't stop staring at them, or turn away from the sight before him...

The eyes, the wings...

Fucking wings??

Like an Angel...?!?

But those glowing eyes are staring right into his soul, and it hurts...

Finally Lucifer lowers and releases Dan as his wings swiftly disappear and eyes return to normal. 

_Dan figures that it must have been too much liquor, and not enough sleep._

That's the only reason, that, and he's always been deeply jealous of the selfish bastard. 

Lucifer's good looks, the perfectly toned bod, an endless supply of money and power, and his

'I don't give a fuck' attitude.

Dan hates Lucifer deep in his heart, but he wants desperately to wake up from this dream, this...

This _nightmare_.

He's frozen to the spot, shaking.

Maze laughs at him, how he screamed like a little girl, she knows that even Trixie is braver than this useless, weak man. 

Lucifer pulls Chloe onto his lap, and she lays her head against him closing her eyes. 

Dan shakes his head to clear it, his heart is pounding in fear, and he's never had hallucinations before now and asks himself,

_"What the fuck just happened? What the fucking fuck was that?"_


End file.
